Yard Raker
by Alex Rider
Summary: A teenage boy switches places with James Bond.


Yard Raker

A Novel by Danny Hatch

Chapter One: Love Story

Ian Bradley was stumped. He had tried to talk to her, he had given her flowers, yet, despite his best efforts, she never noticed him. Either that, or she chose to ignore him. You must feel bad for Ian, because "she" was Valentine Olden. The hottest girl in school. Her curly hair bounced around on her shoulders. She was a brain, as well as a total hottie. And, he didn't know it yet, he was despised by Valentine Olden.

To Valentine Olden, Ian Bradley was just a skinny stick who loved James Bond movies. He hadn't even asked her out, and he was already dumped. If Ian had one wish, he wouldn't wish for wealth. He wouldn't wish to be famous. He'd wish for Val's eternal love. So one day, he took a risk…

**Fairfax County Junior High Bus 3:45 p.m.**

Ian was generally a no risk guy. He didn't procrastinate, for fear he might forget the assignment, and screw up. He didn't start a book report the ten minutes before it was due, Cliff's Notes? If, after reading all that, you think Ian would use Cliff's notes, here's a letter w for you to play with: W.

So, on to the story. Ian was the first one on the bus that afternoon. His best friend Alden came to sit with him, but Ian shoved him away so hard, he landed on geeky Webster Farley.  
" This seat has been formally reserved." Ian said.

" Well where do I sit, smart one?" asked Alden

Ian gestured to geeky Webster Farley.

" Oh no. No. No, no, no, no, NO!!! I can't! I mean look! He's got his dorky mask on!"

" Um… Excuse me. This is a dust mask. It shields me from all of my allergies to dust. And chocolate, and peanut butter, and sponges, and hair spray, and milk, and coke, and all other beverages that have caffeine in them, and beer, and wine, and spray-on deodorant, and-"

" And social contact?" Asked an enraged Alden.

" I resent that." Said Webster.

" Shut up, worm."

" Yessir."

" Look," said Ian. " Here she comes! Alden, it's only fifteen minutes. You'll live."

" Yeah, yeah whatev- hey! Whoa!"

Ian had just shoved Alden into Webster's lap, yet once again. Alden just sighed and sat down, hiding his face behind his History book.

" Hey… Valentine. You, uh, wanna sit here? It's an empty seat…"

" Eew! With you? I'd rather sit with Webster! You're just a little freak who loves James Bond way too much. I mean, I heard you humming the theme song in algebra!" Ouch. But… he had been humming it.

" But… C'mon!"

To prove her point, Valentine walked over across the aisle, shoved Alden out of his seat, and plopped down next to Webster. Alden walked over to Ian's bench, and sat down. He didn't say anything once he saw Ian's hands covering his face. He just sat there, totally silent. He felt for his friend. And silently, in Alden's mind, he cursed stupid Valentine Olden for two things. Number One? Making his friend feel like this. Number Two? Shoving him for the third time today.

Ian tried to let it go. When he got home, he figured, he would tell his mom, and she would be somewhat sympathetic. Or not…

_Ian,_

_I'm with Sharon at the dentist's. We should be home around six. You're dad will be home around nine, he's working the late tonight. Hope you had a good day, sweetie! _

_XOXOXOXO _

Mom 

Well this was just perfect! His day was going completely rotten. He took off his backpack, and settled onto the kitchen table to do his algebra. And, yes. He hummed the James Bond theme song.

**Pacific Ocean 4:27 p.m.**

James Bond slowly drew his gun, a Walther PPK. Standard issue for all MI6 agents. He held it in front of him while he slowly explored the battle ship. No one was there. It was just like a ghost ship. He looked around him. It was all to quiet. He didn't see anybody, but someone saw him. It was then when he noticed the security camera. He cursed quietly too himself. He crouched under it's line of sight, and unhooked the wires that were connected to the camera. Inside the security room, the man watching the screen. Suddenly it fluttered black and white. He knew what to do. His fingers stabbed down on the red alarm button. Meanwhile, on the ship's deck, James Bond knew that he was in over his head…

**Ian's House 4:47 p.m.**

His homework was finally done, so Ian looked at the clock. His mom wouldn't be home for another forty-five minutes, so he put in a James Bond movie. _For Your Eyes Only._ Ian did know that Valentine was right. He loved James Bond movies way too much. Plus, it couldn't be that healthy watching Bond flicks all the time. Hmmm. Maybe he could improve on his reading skills, and read the books. He watched silently, as James Bond picked up the bald dude with the cat, and dropped him into a shaft, via helicopter. He didn't cheer, like usual. He just sat and watched. Then, the doorbell rang…

**Prison Bunker 5:03 p.m.**

James Bond sat down at the edge of his cot. He sighed to himself. If, **if, **he got himself out, he'd go back with an incomplete report, and M would chew him out. If he didn't get out, he'd either die of starvation, get tortured, be executed…the possibilities were endless. There were few times in his life when he was worried. Now was one of them…

Suddenly, there was a large knocking at the door.

**Ian's House 5:21 p.m. **

The doorbell rang again. It couldn't be mom, thought Ian. She's too early.

" Wh-who is it?" asked Ian. No answer. Ian walked to the window, and opened the shutters, wondering who it was. What he saw was beyond his wildest dreams. He was looking straight at… at… Dr. No.

" Don't open the door. Don't open the door. Just… Pretend you didn't hear anything. Forget it. It's probably just a salesman. Yeah…yeah. That's it. Just a salesman. You're mind is probably scrambled after watching too much James Bond. Don't open the door. Don't open the door." Ian's conscience was talking. But, it's voice was drowned out by his curiosity.

" Hello?"

" I request your immediate presence with me."

" Did I ever tell you that you look just like Dr. No?"

" Hmm. That's funny, because the last time I checked, I was Dr. No."

Ian's eyes went blank, and he hit the floor with a thud.

**Prison Bunker 5:23 p.m.**

James Bond heard the violent knocking, but did nothing. It's their prison, he thought. They don't have to knock, and I don't have to answer. But, he answered anyway. He opened the door, and in front of him, was a huge portal. Bond backed into his room, but the strange portal somehow picked him up, and lifted him into the air. What was going on? Then, Bond was thrown into portal. What was going on?…

**Historic Mount Vernon 5:27 p.m.**

Ian awoke, and he was in a strange, airborne vehicle.

" Ah, you've finally awoken. I believe our friend Mr. Bond will be here soon. I have a score to settle with him." Ian heard Dr. No's sinister voice from the backseat where he was lying down.

" Why do you want me, you creep?"

" Because, my studies have shown that you are the biggest James Bond fan in the world."

" What?! Me? No way!!"

" Yes. And, you know everything about Herr Bond that is possible."

" Well, you're a Bond villain."

" Yes, in one movie, back in 1962."

" And another thing. I thought James Bond was fiction."

" To you, of course. But, to others, in my world, which is also James Bond's world, he is as real as you are in your world."

" So… what am I? I mean, in your world."

" This might prove useful." Dr. No handed Ian a movie poster. Ian looked at it, and his eyes bulged to the size of tea plates.

**Portal 5:31 p.m.**

James Bond tumbled through the strange, dark portal. He looked around, but he was surrounded by nothing but blue electric bolts. Where was he going? Where was this strange portal taking him? Why was he, James Bond 007 in this thing? Oh well. It beat the prison cell…

**Mount Vernon 5:32 p.m.**

Ian stared at the poster in awe. You would too, if you were Ian. Because, what was on the poster was: Ian Bradley: License to Kill. Ian was a movie hero. This…this was beyond his wildest dreams! He was in a tux, holding a gun. Off to the left, was a handsome man with a maniacal glare in his eyes. The villain. On the right side, was a beautiful girl. The Bon-well, no. It wasn't the Bond girl. It was the Bradley girl. On the bottom was the rating, PG. Wow. Not only was he a spy, he was also family friendly! What puzzled him, however, was that that was him on the poster. But he didn't remember acting. Weird. Suddenly, to top this strange day off, A portal opened up, and James Bond tumbled out. Ian Bradley's eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he hit the floor with a loud thud!

Chapter Two: Bond, Ian Bond

Ian awoke, and he was staring face to face with… himself. He had opened one sleepy eye, and then was completely awake. He took a look at his hand, and it was much larger than it should've been. Then, he gave a scream.

" AAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!" And that sealed it. Ian had a British accent. Ian was staring at Ian. Ian was now James Bond.

" Ian," came his voice. " Ian. Look. It's something that Dr. No did. He switched our brains to each other's body. He genetically transferred our-"

" Huh? English, please. You're forgetting that your body has no more than a seventh grade education."

" Right… right. He switched our bodies."

" Oh, yeah…right. **WHAT!!** No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, I'm a… a… a thirteen year old kid. I can't be James Bond! I… I sweat over girls, and algebra tests, and… and gym exams. This is just too much!" He really couldn't do this. But, the thought of being James Bond was just so cool! Regular, no risk Ian? Or savvy, cool, high risk James Bond. Decisions, decisions…

" Fine. But not for a long time. A couple days tops. And you have to act just like me. **Just** like me. And you have to act natural, not like a ladies' man, cause, well, I'm kind of a…geek."

" You're fine. I'll be fine… but, do you have good aim with the Walther?"

" Umm… I don't really know. I've never shot a real lethal weapon before."

" Never?"

" Never."

" Hmmm… okay, then. Let's see… aim your gun at that window."

Ian aimed, and it hit a glass case that had George Washington's ax in it. Suddenly, the alarm sounded throughout the building. Security guards came marching in through all corridors. The looked around, but no one was there. One guard walked over to the ax case. There was a bullet hole in the glass, but the ax was still in place, and it didn't look damaged. No harm done here. Still, it would make a good story. Front page, perhaps. And he could spruce it up, thought Murray Johnston, Mount Vernon security guard. He could see himself giving an interview now. Then, he'd get a medal for heroically stopping the…the… the terrorist! Yeah, yeah. That sounded good. He, uhmmm… shot a bullet at the terrorist… and…. And… and scared him off! Yeah! Maybe, he'd get promoted. Maybe, he'd even get a raise. Now **that** would be perfect…

Little did Murray Johnston, rent-a-cop know, the " terrorist" was a thirteen year old kid, and a fictional movie hero. But, even if he did know, he couldn't say that. He'd lose his raise.

Ian's mother, and sister, Sharon had just gotten home. They walked in to their home to find the TV on, a Bond film playing, a math book with a bunch of jumbled up papers in the kitchen, but no Ian.

" Ian? Where are you?" Called Mrs. Bradley, hoping she would hear a toilet flush from nearby, but there was nothing. " Ian? Ian? Ian, this isn't funny anymore!"

" Mom, if Ian's dead, can I have his room?" Asked Sharon.

" No way, shrimp puff." Sharon turned around, and saw her brother Ian. But, it only looked like Ian.

" Ian! Where have you been!? I've been looking all over for you! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" Cried Ian's mother.

" Just doing my business, Mom."

" I didn't hear a flush."

" Oops, I, uh, gotta go flush it. Heh-heh."

James Bond ran upstairs. He walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. After the door was locked, he pulled out a walkie-talkie.

" I told your mother that I was in the bathroom." Said James Bond.

" Well, did you flush?"

" No. I forgot."

James Bond held the walkie-talkie up to his ear, and a heard a stream of curse words explode from Ian's mouth. Bond rolled his eyes, turned of the walkie-talkie, and flushed the toilet.

Ian was walking around town, enjoying his newfound freedom. He looked through his pockets, and found just what he was looking for: a credit card. He walked to the local movie theatre, and weighed his options. Demon in New York was playing, but he also wanted to see Attack of the Giant Right Kidney. Both were rated "R," but he was 51. He could see any movie he wanted. He finally chose Attack of the Giant Right Kidney. After he got out of the movie, he decided he would have to get to work.

He went to an old lot that was behind a closed drug store. He pulled out his weapon, and lined up some old coke and beer bottles that were lying around on the grass. Filthy. Any way, he took aim, and unleashed six shots, one for each bottle. They all missed. Ian sighed. This was going to take a lot of work.

Chapter Three: The Spy Who Took Over My Body

Ian sighed. For two hours he'd been firing bullet after bullet. He was down to his last cartridge. Smash! Hey! He hit one! Too bad he hadn't been aiming for it. He decided to radio in, and see how James Bond was doing.

" Come in, James Bond. Come in. Come In! CO-" Hissss. Ian heard the sound, and held the walkie talkie away from his face. He opened up the battery case. Eeew. Battery leakage. He sighed, and threw the two way radio in a nearby garbage can. Great. Just great. He now had no communication with Mr. Bond whatsoever. He walked over to his house. He knew what he had to do. If he was going to be James Bond, he had to know what to do, and how to do it. He was going to get training from Double-0-Seven. The very greatest in the business…

" Do you see anything?

"N-n-no sir. Nothing abnormal. All he did was throw away a two way radio.

" What is he doing now?"

" Uhmm… he's uh, um walking. Left foot… right foot…left-"

" No! No, you imbecile. How much money am I dumping in your apartment? And you can't do a simple thing like tell me what a man is doing? Where is he walking to? Who, or what is he walking to? Go…go follow him."

" Yessir. Will there be anything else, sir? A cigar?"

" No. No. Just get out of my sight. You disgrace me."

Auric Goldfinger was sitting in his living room. He was sipping a glass of brandy. He had learned what No had done, switching Bond's body with that kid's. He was planning to off Bond, but this complicated things. He couldn't just kill the real Bond-it would look like he was killing a kid. And he couldn't kill what looked like Bond. He didn't kill kids. So, what could he do? He weighed his options. He could find Dr. No, but Dr. no could be anywhere in the world by now. He could also interrogate the kid. But that wouldn't do. He probably knew nothing.

He was midway through draining his glass, when suddenly, it hit him. Of course! A hostage situation. He could take the kid, then force Bond to come. Bond knew all about No. He had files on every madman who he had faced. His plan was perfect. He took out his cell phone and dialed his servant's number.

James Bond was upstairs in Ian's room, playing the latest Bond video game. He still hadn't taken in how famous he was in the real world. He maneuvered his thumbs expertly around the controller. He knew exactly what to do, because, well, he'd lived the game. He got bored and turned the game off. Ian's mother was calling for him.

" Ian? Did you do your homework?"

Oh no. Homework. Bond didn't do to hot inh class way back in the day. He opened up Ian's backpack, and looked in… No. No! It… it couldn't be. Algebra 1. He hated algebra 1.


End file.
